At risk of dwelling upon the negativities of relationships, it is important to consider two very strong and most upsetting emotional states—hate and jealousy.
Most of us have experienced hate (many loving relationships have a subtle or not-so-subtle hate component). As for jealousy, you will most probably know someone, if not yourself, who is predisposed to this strong emotional state.
Let me briefly mention the case of Michael, an architectural draughtsman who is married to Lisa. Michael comes from a close-knit Southern European family and married Lisa, an attractive Australian lass, when they were both in their early twenties and when both were socially and sexually inexperienced. Even though Michael is bright, well-qualified and successful in his job, he nevertheless is pathologically jealous of his wife and any association she might have with other men. Telephone calls are monitored and friendships are scrutinised for possible amorous involvements. Lisa felt socially inhibited and constrained at parties and even at home, as Michael was always checking upon her. These checks upon Lisa created an oppressive aura of mistrust and suspicion, hardly the makings for a positive and productive relationship. Michael’s tensions are carried back to his workplace where he tries to get his mind away from Lisa and onto his projects—a difficult task indeed.
Hate is an equally disturbing emotion which can pre-occupy one’s mind and diminish work effectiveness. I recently counselled Kathy who worked with Veronica in the administrative section of a large national company. Kathy is quiet, conservative and conscientious in her manner and work. Veronica, as Kathy describes her, is loud, aggressive and very casual about her work. What has caused Kathy to hate Veronica is the threat that Veronica is going to win a work promotion which Kathy desperately wants. Veronica is all smiles to everyone and dashes from desk to desk chatting, gossiping and frittering away the days. Kathy, on the other hand, sits at her desk and tries to get her work done. Certainly, Janet, the supervisor of the section, is responsible for overseeing the work output and general behaviour of the workers in the section. However, Veronica seems to evade any disciplinary action by flattering Janet. When Kathy first came to see me, she feared being reprimanded because her work output was declining dramatically due to the emotional rage within her. She felt unable to compete with her articulate, yet apparently irresponsible colleague. On waking every workday, her mind immediately turned to Veronica and fire and fumes would start rising within. It is certainly difficult to work effectively and efficiently if your emotions are on the boil the entire day—and Kathy’s certainly were.
Both of these short cases suggest severe problems at the workfront. Jealousy and hate make work, especially productive work, very hard going. What can be done about these difficult situations? Here are a few suggestions.
- Ask, ‘Why am I reacting so strongly to that particular person or situation? How is this person posing a threat to me? Are any basic personal needs being challenged or endangered by this person?’ Self understanding will help you deal with the strong feelings.
- If your self-examination is not sufficiently enlightening, ask a trusted colleague for his or her views. Sharing your feelings will help and your colleague might be able to suggest a new perspective on the problem. Just talking about the situation will often help to get the steam out of your system.
- Approaching the person who is the focus of your hate or jealousy may be threatening, but that is addressing the problem at the source. If your temper is a problem, that is, you may lose control and engage in behaviour which you would later regret, then reconsider. Cool, calculated control is necessary when dealing with a person you hate.
- You will certainly want to be well- prepared. Letting your hate or jealousy loose in this meeting is not going to advance your position—in fact, you may well experience a setback.
- Try to keep your mind off the offensive person. Structure your days very carefully and fill them with tasks which will preoccupy your mind.
- Record in a notebook every time you feel the hate and/or jealousy rise to the surface. Chart the total at the end of each day. You will probably find that charting these episodes of strong feeling will help to bring them under control.
- Try to spend a small amount of time several times a day doing some exercise. Just standing and stretching can release some pent up steam and allow you to get productively back to your work.
- Do not take your aggressions out upon innocent bystanders. Family members or your poor dog or cat who greets you at home should definitely not be abused because you hate or harbour strong negative feelings about someone at work. Learn to handle your feelings and the problem people yourself.
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