Practical confrontation skills
Being able to stand up to people and speak firmly and constructively to them, is a valuable skill in handling problem people. If you tend to fume and walk away from a confrontation muttering to yourself, ‘I wish I had said . . . !! to that*O#!’, then you need confrontation skills.
Constructively confronting people is a communication strategy which allows you to speak your mind and represent your feelings in a direct way. It is not a strategy of name calling or aggressive outbursts.
Marilyn, a product manager in a manufacturing company, was being brow-beaten daily by her boss for trivial events. She had always been a conscientious worker who enjoyed favourable relationships with her previous bosses and workmates. However, three months into her present job, she was taking sick leave and was prescribed anti-anxiety and anti-depressive medication for her work days and sleeping tablets for the nights, medications which she saw as bandaids and not cures. At work, she would characteristically store up violent feelings for several days and then explode in a fit of rage at some small, trivial event. Her relationship with her boss was the cause of these explosions, but she took her frustrations out on her friends and relatives who were abused for no apparent reason.
From early days, Marilyn had been taught that she should respect her elders and her boss, but when the boss was repeatedly disrespectful, she was left in a dilemma. Should she be nice and respectful or should she stand up for herself and confront her boss? This conflict produced emotional and physical effects which prompted a visit to a new doctor. Rather than prescribe another batch of sedatives which would only cover up the underlying problem, her doctor referred her for stress reduction and communication skills training. Here are the steps we followed.
Constructive confrontation steps
1 Learn how to relax
Learning how to relax is very important, as you want to be confident that your head is ruling your body and not vice versa. If you are presently facing a problem person at work and do not have time to learn the relaxation technique in its entirety, then try the following. Just prior to the situation or at the first hint that your emotions are brewing, focus your mind on the word, R-E-L-A-X,and spell the letters to yourself. After you have spelled relax, take a comfortably deep breath and feel some of the tension flowing out
These simple steps are not going to relax you completely, but they should enable you to collect your thoughts more effectively. For more thorough and long-term training, practise the relaxation technique twice daily for at least three to four months.
2 Identify the source of the problem
A critical part in managing confrontation experiences is understanding the dynamics of the problem situation. Ask yourself, What is this person doing which is causing me to get so annoyed or irritated? For example, Marilyn might find that it is her boss‘ apparently unfair criticisms which are the source of her upset.
3 Assess the effects upon you and your work
Having analysed the situation and located what you think is the source of the problem, try to assess what the effects are upon you and your work. In Marilyn’s case, she might conclude that the constant criticism from her boss causes her work effectiveness to fall.
4 Plan your approach, your words and your behaviour
Having identified the source and the effects of the problem, plan what you will say to the problem person. Try to keep your statement short and concise. The more you ramble on, the less impact the initial statement will have. Also plan what you will do with your body language—your gestures, posture and eye contact. Standing in a stooped posture with your eyes on the ground will not advance your position. Confrontation situations require an upright stance, firm eye contact, a suitably serious facial expression, and positive use of gestures, if appropriate. Practise your lines in the bathroom in front of the mirror so that you can see and hear what you are saying. You might also want to tape record, (video or audio) your practised approach to look (listen) for areas needing some refinement.
5 Anticipate the other person’s responses
Following the delivery of your statement to the problem person, it is very likely that there will be a response. Knowing the problem person, try to anticipate what sort of response to expect. You do not want to generate an argument, you just want the other person to understand the ramifications of their problem behaviour as perceived by you.
6 Choose your time and place for the approach
Try to select a time and place to meet with the problem person so that the maximum effect is derived. In the work setting, try to find a private place. Discussing your feelings and the behaviour of the other person in public could compromise your objectives and possibly alienate the other person further.
7 Following your approach, review your performance
Constructive confrontation skills are complex and intricate and will need polishing and refining. The best way to improve is to try. Having tried, then evaluate what you did—both the positive and negative aspects. It might seem risky confronting others, but in the long-term, it is far better to stand and speak rather than smother angry feelings.
8 If difficulties persist, consult a psychologist
Because confrontative communications are complex and the interchanges can be sensitive and delicate (especially if the problem person is your boss), you may benefit from discussing the problem with a psychologist. The psychologist will help you analyse the problem and prepare your approach.
In summary, becoming more constructively confronting is a most important skill when dealing with problem people. Appropriate training will help you get to the source of the problem and deal with it. You will feel better knowing how to manage problem people at work.
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