Shyness affects just about everyone under certain situations. While most people cope reasonably well with occasional shyness, there are some who live in a personal prison, unable to reach out and make friends or relate positively to others. Being shy at work can severely limit work effectiveness, unless of course, you work generally on your own with little or no contact with others.
Shy people present themselves at work in many varied ways. There is the quiet wallflower who fades into the background and is not often noticed. At the opposite extreme, there is the raging extrovert who can be loud, aggressive and abrasive, but who finds it difficult to relate on an intimate level to others. In between, there are many other people, such as the knocker, the person who knocks or degrades others.
Given the complex presenting pictures of the shy person, what can be done about the problem? Firstly, the shy person must admit that a problem exists. It could be anxiety about attending and participating in meetings or contributing to the small talk over the lunch table. No matter how the shyness presents, if you are shy at work, admit there is a problem and then do something about it.
Having resolved to do something about your shyness, ask yourself to what extent the following aspects contribute to the overall problem— severe nervousness when relating to others; uncertainty about what to say or how to communicate generally; lack of self confidence. Research has shown that these three aspects are the central issues in most shyness problems. Let’s look briefly at each and see what might be done to help.
If you feel nervous about dealing with others at work, learn how to relax yourself. Be prepared to spend 15 to 30 minutes each day practising the relaxation exercises. When you have learned how to relax, get relaxed and imagine yourself dealing comfortably with typical communication situations at work. By systematically linking the feeling of relaxation with these imagined scenes, you will learn how to communicate in a more comfortable and competent way. Should you experience difficulties with the technique, consult a psychologist for assistance.
While learning how to relax is reasonably straightforward, learning how to make friends, maintain relationships and handle the many ups and downs of people is a much more daunting task. You might also find some helpful reading material by browsing the shelves of a good bookshop. Following your reading, you will benefit most from trying out the various skills. This can be a bit frightening, but ask yourself what is the worst possible outcome of trying a new skill. Generally, the worst outcome is just transient embarrassment. So, have a go each day, speaking with new people, asking questions, entering into progressively more lengthy conversations and generally building your communication skill repertoire. Once again, if you have difficulty, a psychologist specialising in communication skills will be able to help.
Low self-confidence, the last of the three aspects of shyness, is the most challenging. In many ways, your confidence will increase as you discover how to control those panicky feelings and how to perform comfortably and competently with others. However, if your confidence has been only ankle high and your expectations are sky high, some additional help may be needed to provide a boost to get you started.
I recently counselled a young man, David, who was in his first year of employment. He had been shy most of his life and instead of confronting his interpersonal difficulties, he applied himself to his studies. Academically speaking, he was on top of the mountain and was able to get a good job with an international mining company. However, once in the job, he was expected to communicate effectively with others as well as deal with his particular responsibilities. Here are some of the pointers I gave David to help him climb out of his difficulty.
- List your major achievements and skills. If you have achieved in the past, you can do it again.
- Think about your long-terms goals and ask yourself what you can do today to work towards those goals.
- Set a daily goal each day to compliment someone at work.
- Smile appropriately at others when speaking with them.
- Practise looking confident and others will treat you as a confident person.
In summary, shyness can only be overcome by actively working on the integral parts of the problem. Speak with someone new and participate in the lunchtime small talk each day. Be informed about current events, entertainment, sport and other issues which crop up in daily conversations so that you are prepared to speak when the opportunity arises. By taking an active step each day, you can reach the destination of being far less shy and far more comfortable within yourself and with others.
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