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3. Invent OPTIONS for mutual gain.

Interest-based bargaining promotes a less contentious climate in the Dialogue that aids the search for both-gain solutions. In this more collaborative mode, you may search creatively for alternatives that might benefit both of you. Now the Dialogue is a problem-solving discussion where your orientation is us-against-the-problem rather than me-against-you. Ideally, both disputants can brainstorm possible solutions, listing as many ideas as you can think of without worrying about how practical or promising they are. Once a pool of alternative solutions has been brainstormed, each option can be tested for compatibility with each disputant’s underlying self-interests. ..more

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Simply engaging in face-to-face conversation in the appropriate context while complying with the Cardinal Rules helps people manage their differences and build more satisfying relationships.

But the sceptical reader is asking, ‘What about skills? Aren’t special skills needed in the Dialogue?’

How old are you? You have that many years’ experience in the school of life. You have learned more than you may realise about how to communicate, about how to get along with others. Of course, we also learn ineffective communication patterns along with more positive skills. But, on balance, most adults who are able to maintain friendships, hold jobs, join groups, and survive the crucible of family life possess sufficient communication skills. ..more

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WRITTEN

Normally, agreements are more complicated than simple yes-or-no decisions or other easy-to-remember solutions. Recording Deals in mutually acceptable terms will help protect against selective memory loss in the future. Each person should keep copies of the written document. Sometimes questions arise in the future about what was in fact agreed to. The written document is objective evidence that can help answer such questions. ..more

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Defensiveness, mistrust, and vengefulness lift like morning fog from the interpersonal battlefield, revealing possible routes around the rock in the road. Both you and your other are now emotionally ready to join efforts in mutually searching for the best route.

Why does the Breakthrough happen? Ironically, it does not result from logical persuasion, rational thinking, or reasonable problem-solving, although we may think so at the time. Instead, it springs automatically from several psychological forces that converge to produce this significant but often unnoticed event. ..more

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The problem does not have to be solved for the conflict to be resolved.

`Hogwash!’ you exclaim. ‘That doesn’t make sense!’ Let’s take a closer look.

Many people find it surprising that the path to harmony winds through a jungle where anger, resentment and similar ‘negative’ feelings flourish.

A Lesson from Psychology

One of the most common tasks of psychotherapists is to help clients become aware of their repressed anger, and to aid them in learning to express it in non-destructive, non-violent, healthy ways in appropriate situations. Seldom do therapists find it suitable to help their clients suppress angry feelings. Repressed anger is a major cause of neurosis, particularly depression, and poisons interpersonal relationships. ..more

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Reality-Testing

Unless perceptions are tested against objective reality (what the Other really means), inaccuracies can grow. Talking together tests the accuracy of our perceptions against the replies of our partner. Effective day-to-day management of interpersonal differences requires conversation.

When interdependency is high and time for communication is limited, the burden on both persons’ abilities to efficiently check out perceptions is heavy. Being busy people, time is seldom so abundant that the burden of reality-testing does not occasionally exceed our abilities to communicate, to hear and understand the Other. ..more

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This desire for peace is surely understandable, but it can lead to trouble. If unchecked, the hope for conflict to disappear brings the expectation that if mediation is successful, my client’s relationship will be free of conflict in the future. If that is my mission, I am doomed to failure.

A Fantasy

Our fantasy is that conflict should be absent in ‘good’ relationships. We regard conflict as a social disease, and assume that there must be a cure. ..more

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Organisational Cancer

There are six cancers that affect the health of organisations. They are Change Paralysis, Score Politics, Havoc, Mission Drift, Stampede and Nepotism.

Organisational cancers are caused by the attitudinal and behavioural responses of business managers and their teams to the priority declarations, strategies, decisions, policies, regulations, value systems and practices originating from owners, chief executives, boards of directors, functional custodians (such as accountants and engineers) and strong individual leaders. ..more

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Firms that experience poor or deteriorating global competitiveness generally suffer from a number of organisational diseases. These diseases originate from internal business management practices or are caused by the dynamics of the market and the intrusion of governments.

Organisational diseases can be explained in terms of the human body and its habitat. The human body is under constant threat of cancers, genetically encoded sicknesses, viruses, bacteria, toxins and injuries. When the body is poorly managed or maintained, ..more

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