This desire for peace is surely understandable, but it can lead to trouble. If unchecked, the hope for conflict to disappear brings the expectation that if mediation is successful, my client’s relationship will be free of conflict in the future. If that is my mission, I am doomed to failure.
A Fantasy
Our fantasy is that conflict should be absent in ‘good’ relationships. We regard conflict as a social disease, and assume that there must be a cure.
We seem to relish this idealistic fantasy, and suffer disappointment repeatedly as the plague of conflict infects our important relationships. We seem unable to grasp the fact that conflict is as inherent to relationships as ‘wet’ is to water. When pressed, we may grudgingly acknowledge that conflict is part of the package we buy when we join with others in interdependency. But an interlude of peace causes the fantasy to rise again like a phoenix from the ashes of interpersonal war. Beware of its return. Take note:
Again: Relationships and Needs
Relationships as vehicles for the satisfaction of partners’ needs. .Each of us has needs that we look to the Other to satisfy, our relationship is the vehicle that transports these needs. The more needs the vehicle must carry, the greater the weight of its load. Sometimes, the weight exceeds the vehicle’s strength.
Even strong relationships have limits. When the vehicle is overburdened, some needs don’t get met. Further, they are weakened when time for communication is insufficient. Spouses who have their own careers, employees who are busy with their jobs, bosses who have other obligations than supporting our work, adult siblings who have their own family responsibilities — these other activities squeeze out the time and energy available for communication between partners. They are loads that weigh down the vehicle of our relationship so that little is left for attending to our needs. When the vehicle is loaded to capacity, we have nothing left to give.
When partners’ needs of the Other overload the vehicle’s ability to carry them, then some needs remain unmet. Consequently, one may feel undernourished in the relationship. It is a short step from feeling undernourished to feeling resentful toward the other for depriving us of needed nourishment. That step requires only an event, remark or circumstance that is perceived to mean that the Other is unconcerned about me, hostile toward me, annoyed with me. Note the emphasis is on perception. The actual intent is irrelevant. We behave and respond according to how we interpret others’ behaviour, not its actual meaning.
Selective Perception
Once mistrust of the Other’s motives and feelings toward us begins, additional evidence gathers to corroborate our perception. Information accumulates to support preexisting perceptions because of the distorting effect of `selective perception,?. We need the world around us to make sense — we need consistency. If new information doesn’t fit with what we think we know, we distort the incoming information to make it consistent with the old. So new information passes through a perceptual filter that screens out inconsistencies.
How does selective perception lead to interpersonal conflict? Because of our need for internal consistency, we distort our perceptions of interactions with others so that we selectively let in information that tells us ‘I am right’. Information that tells us ‘I am wrong’ does not pass so easily through our perceptual filters. So, bit by bit, data gather to form a convincing case that confirms our suspicions about the Other’s feelings and attitudes about us.
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