WRITTEN
Normally, agreements are more complicated than simple yes-or-no decisions or other easy-to-remember solutions. Recording Deals in mutually acceptable terms will help protect against selective memory loss in the future. Each person should keep copies of the written document. Sometimes questions arise in the future about what was in fact agreed to. The written document is objective evidence that can help answer such questions.
Personal Responsibility
No Deal will work unless each person accepts individual responsibility for doing her part. The usual challenge to people struggling with differences is how to separate my responsibilities from yours in solving our problem.
Once the agreement is described in behavioural detail, it is then up to each partner to fulfil the responsibility that is uniquely and clearly hers — a much easier challenge. Once a Deal has been created that serves each partner’s self-interests, both people have an incentive to responsibly perform her part.
Limiting the Duration of the Deal
It may be helpful to agree in advance to limit the length of time that the agreement will be in force. That is, you may prefer to commit to it for only one week or one month. At the end of that time, you may wish to renegotiate parts of the agreement. Until that time, you should obligate yourself to doing what you have agreed to do, even if it begins to feel unfair or unsatisfactory after a while.
Is a Deal Always Necessary?
Much of the Dialogue’s value is simply in opening lines of communication. Although words can hurt, face-to-face communication is also a healing and restorative medicine for wounded relationships. So, the particular items of agreement may be of only secondary importance.
This is especially true of managing differences between marital partners. Often, however, a decision about a joint course of action must be made and implemented, such as choosing which new automobile to buy, or selecting the salesperson to make that trip to Cape Town next week. Typically, workplace conflicts involve business problems that demand solutions. In these instances, whether at work or home, the Breakthrough presents an important opportunity to make a Deal about a problem that requires an answer.
The Bottom Line
The question of whether making a Deal is necessary reduces to this:
- If a decision or course of action related to the contested issue requires the consent or involvement of both persons, then a Deal must be made.
- If not, concluding the Dialogue with an agreement is optional. Still, doing so may help participants feel a satisfying sense of closure.
Use It or Lose It
Do the best you can. Don’t be reluctant to use it because you don’t think you understand it well enough. The Method is robust. It tolerates mistakes and imperfections. Just keep in mind the most vital ingredient, the Essential Process:
Face-to-face talking about the issues on which we differ without interruption for as long as necessary to reach the Breakthrough
In the Dialogue, act how you choose to act, not how you feel like acting. Choice requires courage more than skill.
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