Defensiveness, mistrust, and vengefulness lift like morning fog from the interpersonal battlefield, revealing possible routes around the rock in the road. Both you and your other are now emotionally ready to join efforts in mutually searching for the best route.
Why does the Breakthrough happen? Ironically, it does not result from logical persuasion, rational thinking, or reasonable problem-solving, although we may think so at the time. Instead, it springs automatically from several psychological forces that converge to produce this significant but often unnoticed event.
The Breakthrough opens a window of opportunity in which both participants are willing to agree about something. Together, you can take advantage of this mutual openness to agree about something of importance to each of you. More than producing goodwill, a Deal prescribes how you will interact with one another in the future. The most successful agreements are balanced, behaviourally specific, and written.
BALANCED
Often, a Deal consists of an exchange of concessions from each person — ‘I’ll do this if you’ll do that’. At other times, a creative both-gain solution can be found that satisfies each participant’s needs while requiring no concessions from either.
Whether a dramatic discovery of similar underlying self-interests, or a fair compromise involving concessions, the Deal should be balanced. That is, each person should gain a personal benefit from the Deal. Their gains need not be exactly equal, but the Deal should give each person an incentive for doing her part in the future. An unbalanced agreement is a short-lived agreement.
BEHAVIOURALLY SPECIFIC
The Deal captures in specific behaviour the spirit of goodwill present at the Breakthrough.
Agreements that are too general or that concern our thoughts, attitudes or values can fail because we can’t see or hear thoughts, attitudes and values. These ‘mental events’ are invisible, hidden inside our heads. Agreements about behaviours that can be seen or heard are verifiable.’
For example, your agreement to ‘respect my wishes’ or `be open and honest’ may unravel because we cannot verify whether you are in fact ‘respecting my wishes’ or `being honest’. You may claim that you are; I may feel that you are not. Intentions are not as easy to discern as behaviours.
So we should frame agreements that are specific as to who is to do what, by when, for how long, under what conditions. If a Deal is behaviourally specific, it will be easy to determine how fully each person has lived up to it.
During the Deal-making part of the Dialogue, it is helpful to test proposed parts of the agreement for behavioural specificity. Useful questions to ask:
`How will I be able to tell that you are (respecting my wishes)?’
`What behaviours will I see and hear if you are (being open and honest)?’
The result will be a clear mutual understanding of how the Deal will be carried out. If you are deciding which of you is to make the sales trip to Cape Town, all compromises and concessions are detailed. If you are defining responsibilities in the Atlantic project, all aspects of your interdependent roles will be described. This clarity results in a separation of your responsibilities from my responsibilities in solving our problem.
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