Do Not Score Points
Conciliatory gestures always place the person offering them in a vulnerable position. His Other is presented with an opportunity to take advantage of the open, non- defensive comment to ’score a point’.
When the Other offers a conciliatory gesture, you should not yield to the temptation to score. Do not take advantage of your Other’s vulnerability, even if he takes advantage of yours. Rejecting the Other’s efforts to conciliate is a common retaliatory tactic used during ordinary arguments. But doing so damages trust and widens the gap to be bridged. The Dialogue is not an ordinary argument. For many people, scoring points may be an old bad habit; try not to do it.
This process prevents both you and your Other from indulging in the false safety and familiarity of the Wrong Reflexes. It helps you replace these destructive patterns of behaviour with the Cardinal Rules for constructive engagement.
The BREAKTHROUGH
Performing these two tasks — staying in the Essential Process, and supporting conciliatory gestures — in this context creates conditions in which voluntary, uncoerced agreement can occur. The Breakthrough happens when you and the Other shift from me-against-you fighting to an us-against-the-problem search for solutions.
On most occasions some agreement, even if limited, can be reached in one Dialogue. If for any reason one meeting does not produce the Breakthrough, DO NOT GIVE UP. Schedule another time to talk within the next few days, or even better if within a few hours. Don’t let this setback squelch your optimism that a way can be found around the stumbling block.
Often, the passage of a brief period of time after an unsuccessful Dialogue actually allows a facesaving opportunity to make concessions. After a time-break, conciliatory gestures can be justified by ‘having had a chance to think it over’. In reality, thinking it over may have had little to do with the shift in attitude. Nevertheless, the shift will have occurred and agreement reached.
THE SPEARCATCHER STRATEGY
The spearcatcher realises that no actual harm can come from ‘word spears’ and so allows them to strike without self-defensive manoeuvering. She fearlessly lets verbal slings and arrows hail down, and is shielded by the knowledge that words can do no physical harm. The spearcatcher actually invites spears when she senses the Other is withholding ammunition. Although in battle, she is safe in knowing that accepting the Other’s attack without retaliating is a secret strategy for eliciting a more compromising attitude from the Other.
The spearcatcher stifles the impulse to retaliate. Although she feels the impulse to react, she does notact on it — she exercises willpower over her own behaviour. She presents herself as an available target for the Other’s attacks, knowing that his aggressive energy will eventually become spent. Then, when the Other is in a more receptive mood, she can negotiate a beneficial agreement.
Illustrations:
`How did you feel after I broke my promise?’
`What did you think about me when you found out I was the one who wrote the critical memo?’
Caution!
Why? In relationships with spouses, siblings and children, we wish to enhance emotional intimacy. This is also often true of business partners and close teammates. In contrast, our goal in relation to many coworkers, bosses, subordinates and other work associates is often simply to be able to work together cooperatively in performing our jobs — emotional intimacy is not sought.
By its nature, spearcatching is a deceptive manipulation. It speeds up the emergence of conciliatory gestures from your Other, but tricks him into believing that your receptiveness and apparent openness to his arguments are genuine. In truth, your acquiescence is not entirely sincere. It is highly unlikely that you will have been convinced by your Other’s argument that he is right and that you are wrong. By neglecting to defend yourself, you are allowing him to make a false assumption. You are permitting him to think that you have conceded some points (called ‘bargaining chips’) in order to shape his emotional state into a less defensive form that will more likely lead to concessions on the issues that are of real interest to you. Using spearcatching regularly as a secret strategy with family members can erode trust and promote dishonest relationships.
A Better Way
By staying in problem-focused conversation, we act as if there were a both-gain solution, rather than allowing the Win-Lose Illusion to control us. Assuming that only win- lose outcomes are possible leads to Non-communication and Power-play strategies. The both-gain assumption permits a mutually satisfactory solution to be found whenever possible; it is a win-or-lose situation that precludes this possibility.
So we recognize that there is an alternative to the Wrong Reflexes that all too often keep conflicts unresolved. The alternative is staying in process — keeping communication happening.
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