Performing your two tasks within the recommended structure and context of the discussion releases energy that is bound up in conflict. This produces a shift in attitudes from me-against-you to us-against-the-problem.
THE STRUCTURE
The meeting consists of four parts: The Opening, the Invitation, the Dialogue, and the Breakthrough. Let’s flesh out the skeleton with examples of how each part may be performed.
The OPENING
EXPRESS APPRECIATION
`I appreciate your willingness to meet with me to talk this out.’
EXPRESS OPTIMISM
`I’m hopeful that we can find a solution that is beneficial to both of us.’
REMINDERS (The Cardinal Rules)
`It’s very important that our discussion is not interrupted, and that we don’t give up or walk out, even if we get frustrated. Are you certain you can be here until 4:00 if we need to be?’
`Also, let’s agree for this meeting to refrain from using Power-plays to defeat the other. Instead, let’s look for solutions that both might accept. OK?’
STATE THE ISSUE
`My understanding of the issue is that we have different views about what my role is in the Atlantic Project.’
The INVITATION
- `Please tell me how you see the situation.’
The DIALOGUE
- During the Dialogue, which consumes most of the time in the meeting, you perform two tasks:
- Keeping both you and your Other actively engaged in
face-to-face communication (the Essential Process). - supporting conciliatory gestures made by the Other, and offering them yourself when you can do so sincerely.
The ‘Essential Process‘ is the form of communication that is required to effectively manage interpersonal differences and resolve conflict:
Face-to-face talking about the issues on which we differ without interruption for as long as necessary to reach the ‘Breakthrough’.
So it is up to you to maintain the process. Typical lapses in the Essential Process include:
- Talking about subjects that are not relevant to your relationship (weather, current events, technical information, other safe topics)
- Talking about other people (co-workers, family members) as if they hold the only key to solving your problem
- Telling jokes
- Giving up, expressing hopelessness
- Falling silent
When your Other engages in viours, revive the Essential comment. Redirecting, rather helpful these diversionary behaProcess with your next than criticising, is more
Illustrations:
`Let’s get back to the problem at hand. How do you feel about . .
‘I know it seems hopeless, but let’s see if we can find a way out of this.’
`You’ve been quiet a while. I’d like to hear about what you are thinking.’
Emotional readiness to let go of prior demands comes partly from the catharsis of talking. Give your Other plenty of opportunity to express opinions, views, feelings, and judgements. Think of your job description as: ‘To solicit the Other’s views on the issues’. Listen with as much patience and interest as you can muster.
Of course, much of what your Other says, especially early in the Dialogue, may be difficult for you to hear. She may criticise and blame you, make statements that you feel are unfair or factually incorrect, and repeat old arguments that have angered you in the past. Feeling assaulted by these comments may incite you to retaliate. After all, you, too, are only human, and may feel as much resentment toward your Other as she may be feeling toward you. Like her, you need time to talk and express your side. You also need to vent your pentup frustrations. If you are confident that your Other will not renege on her commitment to the Cardinal Rules, you can express your anger openly.
With time (though not as quickly as you might like) you may expect friendly comments, or ‘conciliatory gestures‘ to appear. The Other’s remarks will begin to reveal a slackening of ‘me-against-you’ energy that drives his need to fight. This signals you that he is becoming more receptive to an ‘us-against-the-problem’ orientation toward the problem. Genuine, sincere conciliatory gestures do not occur until aggressive impulses have been somewhat spent through catharsis and ventilation. Since you are the one who is managing the Dialogue, it is your job to be alert to the Other’s friendly comments.
When she expresses a conciliatory gesture, even if you are still angry, try to acknowledge it.
Illustration:
`I appreciate your telling me that you regret saying what you did in the staff meeting last week. I’m still
upset about the impression it left about me with the vice-president.’
Your support of the Other’s friendly comments will encourage her to make similar comments later. These conciliatory gestures help move you toward the Breakthrough.
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