Recall that one of our Wrong Reflexes is Non-communication. We too eagerly disengage from the other, withdraw, escape to safety behind a wall of inaccessibility.
Being unavailable for contact ensures that conflict remains unresolved. A sage once said, ‘Abstinence from communication is the essence of conflict‘. Without doubt, no resolution is possible without communication. So, the first and most fundamental requirement is to establish a time in which communication can occur.
It works even betterwhen both people know it. But on many occasions you alone will initiate and actively manage the process. So we will assume that you are solely responsible.
Selling
It is likely that your Other will be reluctant to talk with you about your differences. Her Wrong Reflex to avoid `unpleasant encounters’ may be strong. So, you may need to sell her on the idea of joining you in a Dialogue that is explicitly focused on the issues that divide you. How can you sell it? Let’s draw on a sales technique known as ‘probing for the prospective customer’s needs’. Ask questions like:
* ‘Is there any way that your interests are harmed by our conflict?’
‘If our differences could be handled better (even if you feel this is not possible), how would you feel?’
* ‘How would things be different for you if we were able to resolve this?’
This probing helps your Other recognise that she has something to gain by resolving the conflict.
Now to close the sale. The most powerful closing technique is simply asking the customer for the sale. You may say:
* ‘I want to meet with you to talk this out, at a time and place convenient for you. Will you do that?’
In this ‘sales call’ you help your Other identify some personal self-interests that are affected, and offer the hope that her needs might be satisfied. It is important in asking these questions that you do not convey the impression that this is a manipulative strategy intended to help you and to hurt her. It is not a self-serving deception. You are simply choosing to assume that a both-gain solution is possible, and are inviting her to join you in this assumption. You, yourself, may have troubling doubts, but you are opting for optimism.
Few Commitments
Assure your Other that no commitments are requested except to:
Tell you about her side of the situation.
During this Dialogue, refrain from using intimidation,
threat or coercion to force a win-lose conclusion.
Stay physically present and alert for an agreed-upon period of time.
Curiously, the Other need not trust that the meeting will be successful or productive, or even believe that any solution is possible other than agreeing to her previously stated demands. In fact, she is not required to acknowledge that there is a problem at all. You are only asking her to join you in a conversation dedicated to searching for agreement on issues of concern. There is little to lose, and potentially much to gain.
Take special care to get an explicit commitment from your Other that he WILL NOT WALK OUT until the time you have agreed to talk has expired, even if he feels further talk would be fruitless. This is an extremely important pre-condition. If one of you walks out on the other before the Breakthrough happens, then this meeting may be just another inflammatory argument. The commitment to stay for the predetermined time period is essential. The close of the meeting should occur only with mutual consent. If you cannot be certain that this fundamental requirement is met, then it may be risky to start the Dialogue.
A second vitally important groundrule is that no physical force or violence will occur. If you know that your Other is prone to impulsive violence, then you may not want to take the chance.
In organizational settings, where the meeting is between co-workers or a boss-subordinate pair, intimidating threats are a more likely risk than physical assault. For example, if meeting with your boss, you might ask her to agree not to fire you or take punitive administrative action for one week following your discussion.
Finally, inflammatory language, personal insults, name-calling, and racial and ethnic slurs slow down progress. You can control your own language; you have less control over your Other’s choice of words. If you feel vulnerable to being verbally abused, you may ask your Other to use restraint. Otherwise, hear his remarks as arising from the ‘heat of the moment’ and try not to take personal offence.
Most simply, in finding a time to talk, you are asking the Other to join you in agreement-seeking Dialogue that is guided by the Cardinal Rules:
* DO NOT WITHDRAW
* DO NOT USE POWER-PLAYS
The page ‘Notes for the Other’ is designed as a handout. You may wish to make a photocopy of it for your Other to help her understand your proposal.
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