LEVEL 2: CLASHES
The central message is designed to help us manage differences in good relationships. Clashes happen in good relationships.
Despite our best efforts, Annoyances sometimes accumulate and grow into Clashes. How do we know when the line has been crossed? Indications are:
- Repeated arguments about the same issue, perhaps spread over days or weeks.
- Arguing over an increasing number of issues.
- Feeling less co-operative toward the Other.
- Feeling less trusting of the Other’s honest good will toward us.
- Remaining angry at the Other for a longer period, perhaps hours or days.
- Beginning to privately question the value of the relationship.
Workplace Example
Your colleague on a project team has made a number of mistakes that you have worked overtime to correct. When confronted, he shrugs it off, saying that you are being too picky. Your resentment grows as you are unable to get him to respond to your complaint.
Family Example
You and your spouse have differing styles of handling money. You like to budget carefully and save for special events and vacations. He spends more freely and does not keep track of where money goes. You have had numerous arguments about this, but the pattern continues.
LEVEL 3: CRISES
Crises call for more help than this self-help procedure can provide. How can we distinguish Crises from Clashes? Indications are:
* You have irreversibly decided to terminate the relationship.
You fear that your Other will act unilaterally to terminate the relationship.
- You sense that the relationship is psychologically unhealthy, and fear that you are vulnerable to emotional harm by remaining in it.
- Either you or the Other is so emotionally upset and volatile that there is a risk of physical violence.
- Vulnerable people, especially children, are being emotionally, physically, or economically hurt by the conflict.
Workplace Example
Your boss rated you ‘unsatisfactory’ in your latest performance appraisal. Believing that the evaluation is unfair, you have attempted to speak with your boss, only to be told that it is a closed case. Your resentment about not being given an opportunity to rebut the negative appraisal is eroding your loyalty to the company.
Option: Request assistance from a qualified personnel representative or ombudsman who can mediate the dispute.
Family Example
You feel you need a child to make your life feel complete, and your spouse feels that a child would only interfere with career progress. Whenever the issue is mentioned, deep hurt and resentment is evoked. You are seriously considering divorce.
Option: See a- counsellor or family therapist to explore the emotional needs underlying the issue of whether to have children.
What can you do about such severe conflicts? In the most pessimistic analysis, intentionally using the Wrong Reflexes as a coping strategy are options that are still available to you:
Non-communication. You may choose to maintain enough emotional distance from the Other to protect you from abuses.
Power-play. You may choose to use threat and
Manipulation to avoid losing what may be a continuous win-lose conflict.
Of course, neither of these options can bring you satisfaction in the relationship, and with time are likely to lead to further deterioration. Before resigning yourself to such an unhappy fate, consider more constructive solutions:
- Use a mediator, and/or
- Use a counsellor or therapist to gain emotional support and explore how you can best deal with the difficult situation you face.
Crises are dangerous. You may face a painful choice of terminating the relationship or staying in a situation that holds no prospect of satisfaction.
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