Some conflicts are hardly noticeable as they ebb and flow through our daily social encounters. Others grow into intense disputes that spawn interpersonal tragedies. The severity of conflict ranges from insignificant Annoyances through a middle range of Clashes to severe Crises that threaten the life of the relationship.
Just as a golfer selects the proper club for the shot, and a mechanic chooses the right tool for the job, different levels of conflict call for different strategies.
LEVEL 1: ANNOYANCES
Life without Annoyances would be boring. Even if this were not so, Annoyances are inevitable. It is hardly imaginable that a single day spent with people could be free of minor Annoyances. But these Annoyances pose no threat to the relationship, nor do they produce disharmony that breaks down teamwork and blocks satisfaction of needs.
Workplace Example
A co-worker uses your coffee cup to water plants in the office. You have asked her to find another watering can, but she still uses your cup occasionally when you are not there. If you are otherwise cordial and co-operative, this annoyance can probably be handled by additional assertions of your wishes.
Family Example
Your spouse occasionally leaves dirty dishes in the sink, despite your repeated requests to place them in the dishwasher. Unless this irritant masks more significant divisive issues in your relationship, brief mentions will probably be enough to either find a solution, or discharge your mild annoyance.
Still, Annoyances can grow more severe if poorly handled over time. How can we prevent the needless escalation of Level 1 Annoyances into Level 2 Clashes or Level 3 Crises?
The simplest advice is to refrain from resorting to those outdated Wrong Reflexes — Non-communication and Power-play. These behaviours antagonize other people, and they prevent the communication that is necessary to limit misunderstandings. In other words:
Do not walk out, hang up, or otherwise use termination of contact as a retaliatory tactic.
Do not use threats, intimidation or force to pressure your Other to comply with your wishes.
The Gift Exchange
As Annoyances accumulate and tension mounts, communication breaks down. Before Level 1 Annoyances become Level 2 Clashes, you can use an intriguing behavioural device to trigger a release of tension in your relationship.
The device consists of initiating an unexpected ‘gift‘ — a conciliatory gesture — to the other person. Invite your co-worker to lunch or stop by his office to ask about his children. Give your spouse a warm hug, bring home flowers, or offer to cook dinner. An automatic psychological reflex causes friendly gestures like these to spark a reciprocal gesture — a ‘gift exchange‘. If a genuine gift exchange happens, tension can quickly subside and trust may be renewed.
The reflex that prompts your Other to reciprocate your gift is present in everyone. However, certain personality factors can block it from occurring in some people. So, you cannot be sure it will work every time you try it. But your gift costs little, and it can trigger a valuable shift in your relationship from distance to closeness. You accept the risk that your gift will be rejected, that you might be seen as giving in, or as setting a precedent that you do not want to be bound to in the future. Taking this risk requires courage. Paradoxically, allowing ourselves to appear weak by our vulnerability to rejection requires strength.
What happens if your Other does not return your gift? If your initiatives do not trigger a response after two or three attempts, then it probably will not do so in the future.
A note for business readers: The dynamics of the gift- exchange are psychological and emotional, not rational and logical. The impulse to reciprocate is an unconscious response. In business negotiations, bargaining strategies are often quite rational. The gift-exchange may not work because skilled negotiators are often trained to divert psychological inducements to make concessions. Although the gift-exchange can be effectively used in business negotiations, be especially careful not to initiate a gift that weakens your bargaining position.
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